I’m officially on maternity leave, with hours at home to while away. I have grand ambitions to do as the author of this 1912 pregnancy handbook, The Prospective Mother advises:
Such then is the influence of the mind over the body that anyone who wishes to cultivate good health must correct the faulty habit of always thinking of herself. The most suitable form of diversion will depend upon personal taste. Domestic duties absorb the attention of most prospective mothers, but domestic duties should not occupy them exclusively. Outdoor recreation is necessary and serves the double purpose of strengthening mind and body. Public amusements should also be patronized; no prospective mother has the right to sacrifice herself to pride. Music, the various arts, a systematic course of reading, the acquisition of a foreign language – all these are commendable forms of diversion, and others will occur to anyone. Obviously the avocation will be most happily chosen if it directs the attention into channels likely to lead to the greatest pleasure.
But let’s be honest. Outdoor recreation? I can manage a walk to the mailbox and back these days. Music? I tried playing the piano, but my sausaged-up fingers are stiff and clumsy. “A systematic course of reading”? Ah, there we go. I downloaded Ulysses on my Kindle. And then promptly despaired over how my brain has grown soft. Plus, I really don’t care about Stephen Dedalus and his stupid errand and what occupies his twenty-something-guy-mind right now. (I think I need to shift my Modernism impulse to Virginia Woolf.) There’s writing, of course, for which reason I also downloaded Francine Prose’s Reading Like a Writer
But I know that I will fall into my guilty pleasure: Watching TV judge shows. I have always loved TV judge shows. Back when I was a kid, the only choice was The People’s Court, presided over by Judge Wapner (Divorce Court didn’t count, as it was acted, and I didn’t much care about divorce cases when I was a kid, anyway). These days, our fine country has a wealth of judge shows. Here are my impressions of all of them — and their judges — that I’ve seen.
Divorce Court, presided over by Judge Lynn Toler — No longer acted, Divorce Court now features the familiar sight and sound of two people who genuinely hate each other bickering about who was controlling or cheating or lazy. All this has nothing to do with the actual “case,” which is usual “S/he owes me money” small-claims stuff. My favorite case featured a long-haired wannabe rocker who spent $1500 on a pair of leather pants because it was necessary for his image. The litigants can be shrill and are usually both what Judge Judy (see below) calls “marginal people,” but Judge Toler displays a good amount of warmth, restraint, and TV-judge-show-style wisdom. She’s also very pretty.
Judge Alex, presided over by Judge Alex E. Ferrer — Judge Alex is the most even-keeled of all TV judges. He was a cop! A trial lawyer! A criminal court judge! And now a TV judge! He says nuh-uh to drama, and shuts down people who want to start in on it. For that reason, I don’t have any vivid memories of any of his cases, but at the same time I tend to turn off his show out of frustration less often than other judge shows. Judge Alex, like another TV judge, Marilyn Milian, is Cuban-American and pretty foxy.
Judge Joe Brown, presided over by, uh, Judge Joe Brown — The opening of his show has Judge Joe Brown proclaiming that he’s here to “promote manhood and protect womanhood,” which gives you an idea of his sense of gender dynamics. He often berates the men in his court for their lack of manliness, whether it’s because they let women pay for things or wear earrings. Things get out of hand in his court often because he wants to challenge men’s manliness. He told one that he was acting like “an unruly woman,” because there’s no worse insult than to compare a man to a woman.
The People’s Court, presided over by Judge Marilyn Milian — The classic show remains nearly unchanged since the days of Judge Wapner, down to the music and the typewriter sounds as the litigants’ claims appear on the screen. The most unwelcome new feature is the guy who stands on the street and asks the mush-mouthed people standing around him what they think of the case. The most obvious new feature is Judge Marilyn Milian herself (my friend Mike called The People’s Court “the pretty lady show”). She plays into that fiery Latina archetype and blows her top every once in a while, but overall is fair in her decisions. The cases themselves are usually pretty mundane — shoddy handyman work, cell phone bills.
Judge Judy, presided over by Judge Judith Sheindlin — Perhaps the most famous of TV judge shows, Judge Judy is, to me, fantasy-fulfillment for sensible people. Stupid people are told outright that they are stupid. Liars are called liars. People who act like asses are labeled “marginal people.” Sometimes Judge Judy can be a little too mean, but when she corners someone in their bullshit, it can be amazing. My favorite incident of this is when a guy was acting like grabbing his ex-wife and pulling her toward him was no big deal. So Judge Judy asked him to demonstrate what he did, using his mother in place of his ex-wife. It was a real King Solomon moment.
Aww, hang in there with Ulysses. Leopold Bloom takes over in just a bit and that’s when it gets good.